Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Our (best) CC week (ever)

Last week was started out not so great (and then turned into our best week ever!).

We had some weird days and I felt more and more insecure about how to handle it. Having so many principles and techniques in mind can become confusing! Dd was whiny more often than normal for a CC child and I felt it's something I'm doing (or not doing).
Overall it was going very well but still, these situations did bother me!

I kind of gave up on Saturday. I laid on the couch. I felt tired. I have been working hard on this CC thing for a year now and still feel like I'm missing something obvious.
For some reason, I felt like asking hubby for advice might be a good idea.

No time to retype everything so I will simply repost my e-mail to my CC consultant Alexsandra Burt from last night (with a few minor changes):

"Had a pretty big insight yesterday after talking to hubby. I believe I know why [dd] cried and was a bit unhappy with me. So much to type and I'm already in bed so I will try to cut it short.

I had another "not so good" day with [dd] yesterday. We went to the woods and she seemed tired and whiny. My gut feeling has always been it's something I'm doing. I don't mean this in a negative way. Something simple. Something you would spot right away if you would see us for some hours. For example, I was walking into the woods and she walked somewhere else. I let her and slowly walked further. Then she started to cry. I remained where I was. She pretented to fall and said "ouch" and cried and stayed where she was. She did come to me later on but it was just painful for both of us, annoying and overall not going well at all.

At home I was desperate (overall it's going well, I know, but still, these situations bother me, seem unnecessary, and out of TCC). So I figured I ask hubby for advice. I asked  him if she cried at all the three last Sundays (they went to different zoos and were gone for 4-5 hours). He said no. (Same with my youngest sister - [dd] is so happy with her and it's not only distraction). This was odd for me, because both hubby and my sister engage with [dd] so much, talk to her, etc., are pretty child-centered I'd say. Everything I try to avoid. Why then does it work better than what I'm doing?

I told hubby about how [dd] went off, etc. If he had any advice for me (because he sees me every day and is so close to us, I thought maybe it's something that is obvious to him). He said he didn't know. But that he just doesn't let her walk away so far.

And this is when it struck me!!!!!

I realized I was no longer giving [dd] clear expectations and guidance. It's ok for me to guide her, and in fact I believe she needs just that. I was so committed to not interfering with what she is doing, hoping she will get it right, somewhat resenting her if she didn't live up to the vague expectations I have of an ideal CC child. OF COURSE this cannot get us anywhere. I felt a major relieve. Like I am FINALLY allowed to say something again, finally allowing myself to "steer the boat" again. Taking the burden off her little shoulders to always magically know what she should be doing or not be doing.

No cries today (except for hurting herself a bit when tumbling, and once more for some seconds when she had to stay in the sling because I was in a hurry and needed to get home on time).

I really believe this is it!

I have had so many insights since then, too much to type. I feel WAY more comfortable in my parenting now. I am more passionate  than ever about TCC. I feel so full of joy. Now I feel like I finally know how to do it! I had gotten so confused with what to allow, what to say, what not to say, hoping she would not whine again, etc. Now I feel like the knowledgeable person in the house again, the true rock of Gibraltar. The one you can go to when you need to know something, or need help. I am happy. I am around. If she needs me, I'm here. It all started when you said that whiny behavior comes from too much negotiation. I wondered for a long time, hm, maybe I am too much going back and forth with what I say. I realized last night, for example, darn, sometimes I let her touch the laptop, sometimes not. How is [dd] supposed to know??? Now I got clear on me not wanting her to touch the laptop (for now). She'll get used to it. Children are so good at getting used to clear rules, clear expectations.

Anyway. I HOPE we will carry on like that. I am very confident. It's been going so well that I feel so much love again! It all feels so right now. Like I finally have the last piece of the puzzle. Today I was coloring a book and [dd] was doing something with the sewing machine behind me. She was happy, I was happy. I realized, wow, this is it!!! This feels so RIGHT! We're back in TCC.
I have noticed today how I had started to resent [dd] here and there for being whiny. I had gotten irritable and frustrated from time to time. Now I feel like I can finally talk freely again, and all of a sudden I realized how I had lost trust in my own knowledge. Not even sure why.
Seriously, for some days I had been wondering [...] things are going down hill for us and I cannot figure out why. Now I feel like it's been right in front of me all the time and I suddenly opened my eyes to see it.

Just wanted to share that. I have seen [dd] smile so many times today, and I am no longer standing in my own way!

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