Our CC week

I enjoyed last week so much.

We stayed at home much more than we usually would because dd felt a little under the weather (runny nose, coughing). We went to a EC gathering (just so I can see what these gathering are like these days as I will present the Continuum Concept there next year - we do not do EC) and dd did not seem to enjoy company as much as she usually does, and was clingy. She cried easily and did not feel well. This time though, I did NOT ask myself whether this comes from any of my parenting. I just noticed, ha, dd is feeling unwell. I hugged her more often and got her a book and she looked at the pictures sitting on my lap while I followed the conversation. The same night she got really sick so this confirmed my intuition that she was simply feeling unwell.

We stayed mostly inside the next day and I just followed my intuition on how to do things. At night, when my husband came home, he asked: "What did you do with her? She's ecstatic!". She was very happy and smiley, obviously feeling better after a day full of rest.

Not much to say about this week except that it was really nice and felt right.

I wonder if I should attend playgroups, LLL gatherings etc. less often. I went from a very minimalist approach (around 3-4 activities per week) when dd was a few months old to up to three activities per day these last months. Quite a lot. I don't really know what's best for us. One thing I have noticed for sure is, that if I do so much, I no longer look forward to meeting with others as much. I want gatherings to be a joy and not a burden, so I guess I less is more in our case.

Indoor activities we did were: Buying and preparing food, cleaning, sewing, listening to music on youtube, mud masks in the bath tub, going for walks, building a Christmas tree from paper from a handricraft box my husband bought for us, doing laundry, dying a new wrap, writing Christmas letters to my parents and my in-laws and decorating them with little stars, hearts, etc., taking them to the post office, etc.

With every little thing, dd can do more and more each week. I try to find little things for her to do. Sometimes it doesn't really work but mostly it does. She takes a lot of pride in her ability to contribute!

Our (best) CC week (ever)

Last week was started out not so great (and then turned into our best week ever!).

We had some weird days and I felt more and more insecure about how to handle it. Having so many principles and techniques in mind can become confusing! Dd was whiny more often than normal for a CC child and I felt it's something I'm doing (or not doing).
Overall it was going very well but still, these situations did bother me!

I kind of gave up on Saturday. I laid on the couch. I felt tired. I have been working hard on this CC thing for a year now and still feel like I'm missing something obvious.
For some reason, I felt like asking hubby for advice might be a good idea.

No time to retype everything so I will simply repost my e-mail to my CC consultant Alexsandra Burt from last night (with a few minor changes):

"Had a pretty big insight yesterday after talking to hubby. I believe I know why [dd] cried and was a bit unhappy with me. So much to type and I'm already in bed so I will try to cut it short.

I had another "not so good" day with [dd] yesterday. We went to the woods and she seemed tired and whiny. My gut feeling has always been it's something I'm doing. I don't mean this in a negative way. Something simple. Something you would spot right away if you would see us for some hours. For example, I was walking into the woods and she walked somewhere else. I let her and slowly walked further. Then she started to cry. I remained where I was. She pretented to fall and said "ouch" and cried and stayed where she was. She did come to me later on but it was just painful for both of us, annoying and overall not going well at all.

At home I was desperate (overall it's going well, I know, but still, these situations bother me, seem unnecessary, and out of TCC). So I figured I ask hubby for advice. I asked  him if she cried at all the three last Sundays (they went to different zoos and were gone for 4-5 hours). He said no. (Same with my youngest sister - [dd] is so happy with her and it's not only distraction). This was odd for me, because both hubby and my sister engage with [dd] so much, talk to her, etc., are pretty child-centered I'd say. Everything I try to avoid. Why then does it work better than what I'm doing?

I told hubby about how [dd] went off, etc. If he had any advice for me (because he sees me every day and is so close to us, I thought maybe it's something that is obvious to him). He said he didn't know. But that he just doesn't let her walk away so far.

And this is when it struck me!!!!!

I realized I was no longer giving [dd] clear expectations and guidance. It's ok for me to guide her, and in fact I believe she needs just that. I was so committed to not interfering with what she is doing, hoping she will get it right, somewhat resenting her if she didn't live up to the vague expectations I have of an ideal CC child. OF COURSE this cannot get us anywhere. I felt a major relieve. Like I am FINALLY allowed to say something again, finally allowing myself to "steer the boat" again. Taking the burden off her little shoulders to always magically know what she should be doing or not be doing.

No cries today (except for hurting herself a bit when tumbling, and once more for some seconds when she had to stay in the sling because I was in a hurry and needed to get home on time).

I really believe this is it!

I have had so many insights since then, too much to type. I feel WAY more comfortable in my parenting now. I am more passionate  than ever about TCC. I feel so full of joy. Now I feel like I finally know how to do it! I had gotten so confused with what to allow, what to say, what not to say, hoping she would not whine again, etc. Now I feel like the knowledgeable person in the house again, the true rock of Gibraltar. The one you can go to when you need to know something, or need help. I am happy. I am around. If she needs me, I'm here. It all started when you said that whiny behavior comes from too much negotiation. I wondered for a long time, hm, maybe I am too much going back and forth with what I say. I realized last night, for example, darn, sometimes I let her touch the laptop, sometimes not. How is [dd] supposed to know??? Now I got clear on me not wanting her to touch the laptop (for now). She'll get used to it. Children are so good at getting used to clear rules, clear expectations.

Anyway. I HOPE we will carry on like that. I am very confident. It's been going so well that I feel so much love again! It all feels so right now. Like I finally have the last piece of the puzzle. Today I was coloring a book and [dd] was doing something with the sewing machine behind me. She was happy, I was happy. I realized, wow, this is it!!! This feels so RIGHT! We're back in TCC.

I have noticed today how I had started to resent [dd] here and there for being whiny. I had gotten irritable and frustrated from time to time. Now I feel like I can finally talk freely again, and all of a sudden I realized how I had lost trust in my own knowledge. Not even sure why.

Seriously, for some days I had been wondering [...] things are going down hill for us and I cannot figure out why. Now I feel like it's been right in front of me all the time and I suddenly opened my eyes to see it.

Just wanted to share that. I have seen [dd] smile so many times today, and I am no longer standing in my own way!"

Our CC week(s)

No time to blog last weekend so here's what happened for the last two weeks:

~ We got complimented a lot which warmed my heart! I am eternally doubting whether I'm doing things in a good way. So I was happy to hear from total strangers that we look very happy, harmonious, alert, relaxed, peaceful and what not. A cool lady who lives around here told me there aren't many mothers like myself and that she thinks I am very relaxed and know what I'm doing. Ha!

A young man in a supermarket said he had never seen such a peaceful toddler (in an environment where they are usually not allowed to touch things). I told him I put it down to dd having several tasks when we go grocery shopping (all of which she picked herself!): Climbing in the shopping cart (with my help), putting the products I hand her in the shopping cart, handing me the products at the check out, taking a bill I hand her and handing it to the cashier, taking the receipt and putting it in my bag. Really, with all of these assignments, you have no time for a tantrum.

~ Note to self:

How to spend the day the Continuum way:
1. Do an activity.
2. Find a way to let child participate.
3. Focus on task.
Everyone happy.

~ We spend more and more time in the woods. We try to make it two days a week, and go for five to six hours (this is a long as we can before sunset). We keep on finding new paths, plus hiking is probably the least child-centered activity I know. Everyone is happy in nature, we do our keep-fit trail, have snacks, explore whatever we find on the ground, etc.

~ Had two more sessions with Alexsandra Burt in the meantime but no time to blog about it.
In a nutshell:
I was struggling with knowing what would be the CC way of reacting when dd has been playing happily for a while when we were some place else, but then starts saying "mommy!" to call me. We discussed ways for me to react to that without making a big child-centered fuss about dd whining.

~ I love my dad! It's nothing new but I realized once more what a good CC grand-father he is. We went to see him for three days and did some short hikes in the woods. We were rather child-centered inside (reading books to dd - I did my best to read the book myself, look at the pictures, talk about them, and have dd watch me). My youngest sister (15 y/o) is fantastic with dd. I trust she will be a wonderful mother herself one day.

Our CC week

~ We're still averaging three hours in nature (or at least in a park) daily. Last Thursday we spent five hours on a keep-fit-trail and I felt sooo good afterwards! It was a joy to be out in nature for so long, and afterwards it was a joy to come home.
Dd is having tons of fun with people we meet.
We met a very sweet little girl (4 y/o) with her sister and her grand-parents. The girl was so good with dd! I would like to write more on that but this blogpost is alreay too long as it is.

~ I read something about "children's right to be ordinary" and it totally resonated with me.

~ Last time I met with my mommy friends I held one little boy, and dd became a bit jealous. Not sure when that came from.

~ Task-oriented group acitivities. It's all about task-oriented group actitivies. Some days ago dd got bored (we were at home) and started to whine and complain. I took her to the kitchen and we washed the dishes. I put the wet dishes on a towel on the floor, and we dryed them together. Then I put dd on a box and she put the cutlery in the drawer (with a little help, obviously). Seriously, the moment she had something to do she was back to her normal happy self again. 

~ We did gymnastics at home and she loves when I do a simple forward roll on a mattress. She tried to do the same and ran towards the mattress, giggling, and then somewhat jumping to do a forward roll herself (it didn't really turn out correctly but we had so much fun!).

from www.sportunterricht.de

~ Dd took her clothes off the laundry rack and put them in the closet. Later on she also attempted to fold socks the way I do. She put her hand in one sock and then wasn't sure what to do and therefore put it aside. So sweet. 

Dd putting her clothes in the closet - right where they belong

~ I often just say "I'd like to change your diapers" or "I'd like to help you put on your jacket before we go out". Then dd comes to me and we change her diapers or I help her get dressed. Sometimes I think it's just too good to be true but it does indeed work that way! 

~ She has also started to carry a teddy bear around, hugging it and stroking its back.

~ For a while, hubby and dd practiced how to moo like a cow. Dd mood quite loudly whenever she saw a picture of a cow. I said casually "You know, you can simply moo in a normal voice".  Just giving her the information, and making no big fuss about her mooing loudly. And she did simply say it normally from then on. I really like when things work like that!

~ My parents-in-law sent dd a parcel and she had tons of fun unpacking it.

~ Dd wants to use swings on her own now.

~ I also realized that she never walks holding my hand. She walks by herself when we're outside. Only once did she ever grab my hand (not sure why) and let it go after some seconds. So often somebody will tell me how great dd is walking. First I thought it's a polite compliment, but now I wonder if people feel compelled to say something because we're usually seeing toddlers in strollers?

~ I feel pretty relaxed by now being outside with dd. She follows me and I don't have to worry about it. At first, when she started to really walk outside, it was as new for me as it was for her, but we're used to it by now. As long as she is allowed to hold something, I can even take her to supermarkets and she won't touch a thing! Yesterday she followed me through an entire narrow Turkish shop, happily carrying an avocado and keeping up with me.

Our CC week

~ It occured to me I have to carry a little booklet with me at all times. Like I did when I traveled the world. Then I can write down quickly all the insights I have while out and about with dd.

~ Dd starts helping us so much more than before. It's beyond cute sometimes. When my husband did the laundry and put everything into a big IKEA bag to take it to the dryer at the laundromat, she got herself another IKEA bag and put other clothes in there (stuff I am going to sell on ebay). Then she dragged the bag to our front door and placed it next to the one my husband had prepared.

The other day I was folding towels, and being a perfect little copycat, she even did my exact hand movements. I had such a hard time suppressing my laughter.

On the left are two kitchen towels that dd folded, on the right is the pile I did. The result is not impressive, but seeing her folding towels was very cute.

~ We decluttered dd's toys a bit and that kept us busy for quite a while.

 

 ~ We went for a hike in the woods yesterday and returned to the train station before it got dark. But no trains were coming. So we waited for almost an hour in the cold and dark. BUT I had a lovely lady to talk with, and dd played with a boy of maybe 3 or 4 years who had a bicycle. They had so much fun. It was almost like having a personal babysitter. 

Being on the train is often very easy, too, when someone is happily playing or otherwise communicating with dd. 

~ We've been meeting up for a few months now with some other mothers and their children in a private play group, at different locations. We met on Friday and this time it was particularly good. It's always nice to see the "gang" but this time was special. 

~ No bad/unpleasant situations this week that I recall. All good!

~ Oh, and I finally created a Facebook page (please don't expect anything fancy!). All blogposts will be linked there to make following the blog via FB easy as pie!

Our CC week - part 2

Some things that happened during the last weeks and I somehow forgot to mention them ...

~ I get it now - children need CONTINUOUS activity. We had a really amazing day a while ago. We went to an English baby group in the a.m., then headed to the woods for a hike, and had a day filled with activities. I don't remember what we did but we were very busy all day long. At the end of the day we were totally worn out. You know the feeling when you're so tired that everything becomes funny? Dd and I got into a very silly mood and did the lift scene from "Dirty Dancing" a couple of times, always with tons of laughter. She ran towards me and I lift her up, turned around, and putting her down again. Over and over again. Oh dear!
I totally got it then - you know all these situations with children which can be a real pain in the neck? When they aren't allowed to touch anything, need to keep quiet for a while, etc.? None of that came up on that day. It was just fantastic.
Now I know why Alexsandra Burt told me that NVC etc. are certainly good tools, but if you're really in the continuum, you won't need any of that.
I remember thinking, WOW, I really want to get to that place one day.
And now we did! Thanks, Universe.

~ It's easier than I thought to be outside in road traffic with dd. She mostly follows me, and if not, I wait for her to notice she's no longer following me, smile at her and then she usually hurrys up to catch up with me. She is still slow enough for me to hopefully be able to catch her easily should she ever have the idea to run into a car, etc.

~ Feeding ducks has become a new activity for us.

~ We had to go to the post office some days ago. There's a lot of stuff I don't want dd to touch, plus I kind of wanted her to stay in the queue. I put her down when she wanted to, and she magically simply wandered around a bit but always came back. It was so much easier than I thought.

~ We had one situation when I met for lunch with an ex co-worker of mine. We went for a walk. It was a bit stressful for me to be there on time, and at one point I wanted to text my friend we couldn't make it. In the corporate world you get one hour for lunch (or less), but to be somewhere right on time with an active toddler can be difficult at times. Anyway. While my friend and I sat and ate, dd played a bit by herself around us, greeted people passing by, etc. We went for a short walk afterwards, and dd became fussy. At one point she cried and threw herself back in my arms, and I remembered not to engage with that behavior too much. Hm. I had to put her on the floor to put on the ring sling and she lay there crying for a moment.
On the positive side, I did not feel embarrassed or insecure at all. I put on the ring sling, picked dd up and put her in the sling. She nursed a bit and things were back to normal.

~ I met a really nice mother and her little boy at the post office and she asked about my ring sling. We agreed to meet up at my place so she could try my ring slings. I ended up borrowing her one of mine (I personally like to try things out before I finally buy something). So happy about that! We had a really nice chat and the children seemed to get along fine, too.
The same day, I went shopping with dd and a pregnant lady asked me about the ring sling. Haha. I like the ring sling a lot, so I'm always happy to share my experiences. If you don't use them you can fold them and put them in your backpack/purse, and if you want to carry your child for a while they're quick to use. Love them!

This post is longer than I planned it to be ....

I'll conclude today's post by recommending this article to German speaking readers:
http://www.zeit.de/2014/38/kindheit-deutschland-erziehung
It's about why today's parents are better than any generation of parents before them (in contrast to what some German authors want us to believe - that today's parents are an incompetent bunch of insecure helicopter mothers and fathers).
Based on scientific studies paired with common sense. 
This article really made my day.

Our CC week

This is what happened last week:

~ We finally bought a rear facing car seat for dd! We don't use the car with her very much so her growing out of her baby car seat was not so much of a problem.

Perhaps some people know this but I certainly didn't before I came across that info online:
Children should be in a rear facing car seat until they are four years old. 
I had no idea this is so much safer!

source: http://www.kiddies24.de

~ Now that dd has learned how to walk properly she is working on speaking in actual words. So sweet! Things like: Yes, no, hi, good-bye, mommy, daddy, doggy, teddy, please, thank you (in German).

~ Two days ago she looked at us very seriously and said something. She sounded somewhat said and hopeless. She repeated it over and over again. We really have no clue what it means. She speaks with tons of patience, the same thing over and over. We have guessed every meaning that came to mind. It sounds a bit like Elven language from Lord of the Rings to me. It sounded close to "switch light off" and "sad, too" (in German).

~ I still enjoy LLL meet-ups a lot. I always learn something new or gain a new perspective on things I already know.

~ We LOVE our time in the woods! We even saw a baby deer yesterday.

~ I re-discovered CLEANING as a group activity. Our place looks quite nice right now! I spoke to hubby today about how I find it important to know how to clean something best. It sounds so boring and unimportant. Still, I remember my friends and I starting out at university with some of us not really knowing how to do certain things. I never really had to clean in our home (everything else I had to help with), so I only had a vague idea on how to approach cleaning. What products to use, how often, how to remove certain stains from clothes, etc.
It sounds almost ridiculous but I find it very liberating to be able to take care of one's own place after moving out of the parents' house.
I know our mothers/stepmothers/etc. only wanted the best for us, so most of us did not have to help with daily chores. Clean clothes simply showed up in the closet after a while.
I find it more valuable though to know how to do this myself. Which is why I'll happily clean in front of dd so she can see how it's done.